Well, folks... the German National Team kicked the living hell out of Austria today, ensuring their spot in the Euro '08 quarter-finals! They move on to face Portugal on Thursday.
Before the match, fans were restless. J spent several hours pacing in front of the screen with a liter of Dr. Pepper and a salmon hoagie waiting for the live satellite feed. Others spent the time more ambitiously.
C'mon, guys, break it up. Vatertag was yesterday.
It's hard to tell if they're cheering for the team or the astonishingly massive flat screen television ;)
Although deeply committed to one another and having already sprung the 400 Euros for matching tribal tattoos, the couple somehow knew their relationship was forever doomed ;)
The man-with-the-greatest-job-ever suddenly exclaimed, "Damn! I used the wrong shade of green. I'm going to have to wipe all this stuff off and start over. You might want to sit down. We're going to be here a while..."
Jogi and his real estate agent tried to concentrate on the German National Anthem but they were too busy watching the girls get painted in the booth just beside the team bench.
No one had the heart to tell her it meant "French Fries."
The Crazy German Chick Association was out in force, patrolling the streets and back alleys of Austria looking for Non-Schlanders to beat utterly senseless.
Maybe thirteen isn't so bad after all...
Dr. Meuss and his brother Dr. Kleuss, evil doppelgängers of Dr. Seuss, were convinced that the Germans would win. They will win it in the rain, they will win it on a train. They will win it in Spain and on vacation in Bahrain. They will win it, don't you see, they will win it handily!
Sylvester Stallone, still jazzed from all three positive reviews of his come-out-of-retirement comeback movies Rocky Balboa and Rambo: Old Blood, was thrilled to be part of the Austrian National Team. After six months of facial reconstructive surgery, however, the best he could manage was, "Yo, Adrian!"
"It was the heat of the moment, telling me what your heart meant. Heat of the moment shone in your eyes!"
Seven Nation Army and Pixie-Sprout® prepare for glory!
The Austrian team physician was later discovered to be a cardboard standup figure. Apparently, the Austrians couldn't afford a real physician after paying the Euro2008.com advertising fee.
After being ejected from the game because of his gangsta ways, a distressed and befuddled Jogi sits with Schweinsteiger and Johan, the Underground Berlin Rave Coordinator.
J desperately tried to snatch an art shot but just couldn't hit the button in time.
The referee was taken completely by surprise when Ballack was beamed to the locker room Star Trek style.
After the half-time break and two liters of beer, the Germans seemed speedier! Something big was about to happen and we weren't going to miss it!
Schland-speed!
After a bit of toying with the Austrians, Ballack summoned forth a righteous schisa-kick from the depths of his unconscious. The result was glorious and will most likely be talked about in the quiet hallways of major universities for years to come.
There's rage and shame in those eyes. It's okay, Mikey, the turtle doesn't hurt anymore. He's in heaven now.
Frings had no choice but to stand back and watch the mysteries of the human psyche unfold around him.
Even the Austrians were amazed at the big beautiful butterfly of psychological carnage that flew past. And they invented the dungeon, so you know they're not that easily impressed!
Rave on!
Swept up in the moment, Schweinsteiger and Jogi decided to beat the bejeezus out of one another. Johan tried to restore order with his impish little man-self, failing utterly and staining his suit in the process.
"Um... actually, Chancellor, I'm a bit busy later this evening. Another time, perhaps?"
Ballack's vicious goal frustrated and humiliated the Austrians, who had no alternative but to keep chewing tobacco and looking ridiculous.
Some Austrian players, however, had a different reaction funneled their rage in a more emotional fashion.
The Austrian fans were understandably disappointed. It's a good thing the kid in the top left corner decided to bring his stash of match-day cocaine just in case...
Mid-way through the second half, even the most ardent Austrian fans were ready to concede defeat. But, seriously, it's not like their team sucked. Umm... well, okay, they sucked ;)
My advice is to go home, shower and try not to think about the 68 Euros you spent on face paint.
J, revived and showing increasing signs of life, made yet another desperate attempt to snag an art shot.
J's desperation led to a few shots she'd rather forget ;)
Happy, excited soccer fans are sweaty, stinky soccer fans. But, honestly, would you want to be the one to ruin his Shland-high by telling him he smells like a Yak?
And there it was. In the middle of J's euphoria, it came. It finally came! A proper art shot!
When the clock ran out, Germany emerged victorious. Fireworks lit up the night sky. Riots began. Goats were sacrificed. If only we could have been there for the celebration!
After the loss, a lone Austrian fan pondered his life in the grand scheme of things. Buck up, little camper! There's always law school...
Suddenly, the screen went dark and cold. There was a brief interlude to get us up to speed with a game-that-didn't-matter. It turned out that Croatia had just stomped on Poland 1:0.
At the start of the match against Croatia, the Polish cheerleading squad was surprised to learn that balls for the game were supplied by UEFA. Afterwards, they had a little trouble getting the one they brought off the field.
Those poor Polish kids were still waiting for the van that was supposed to pick them up eight days ago. It may turn out to be a good thing, though, since the BBC is rumored to have offered them a three year contract for a concept television show called Poles in Da House.
Meanwhile, back at the game-that-really-mattered, Ballack continued to celebrate the victory.
All was not perfect in the perfect in the German universe, however... Hungry Hansel, the most ruthless serial killer in continental history, was quietly stalking his next victim - a retired Turkish kabob cart dealer on vacation from Redondo Beach, California.
And that, so to speak, was that! Germany is in the quarter-finals!
Leave a comment